Special, Part 2 "The first 20 minutes"

So Special is crouched under the table and I'm trying not to crawl under one myself! Because I don't know exactly what the issue is, I have to choose my approach to her carefully. Is she gonna bolt? My classroom has a door that opens to the parking lot and she is positioned directly between the door to the hall and the door to the parking lot, so she's got options on her side. Is she gonna attack another child? She's at least 3 times as big as anyone else so she could seriously hurt someone. I'm trying to read the play of emotions on her face to predict what she may do. There's terror, then hatred, then the briefest glare that lets me know she's testing me. For me, one of the keys to dealing with children like this is to never, ever, ever get in a power struggle with the child. As soon as that happens, you're sunk because the child knows he's won. As I'm studying her face, I'm also trying to determine if she is fully present. Children with severe emotional problems can flip out and not be conscious of their actions. She was seemingly unprovoked, yet she looks to be in a fright or flight state. I stand and slowly begin to walk across the room. If this kid is having some kind of emotional crisis, then small movements and a very quiet, small voice are needed on my part.


Special, why are you under the table? I whisper.


No answer.



Special? Why are you under the table? Can Mrs. Grandma Sandy help you with something?


She glances up at me very quickly, looks away, then thrusts her face towards mine and says with hatred,


I thought you gone slap the mess out my face


Hmm, no. Special, I say thoughtfully, Mrs. Grandma Sandy doesn't usually ever slap the mess out of people's faces. Why would you think that?



'Cause I seen yo face and it looked mad at me.


No, Mrs. Grandma Sandy isn't mad at Special. Maybe I was thinking really hard when I was doing my work or something and that's what you saw because I'm certainly not mad at you. And I can promise you this: Mrs. Grandma Sandy never, ever, ever slaps anybody in the face. Even if I'm the maddest I could ever be, Mrs. Grandma Sandy will never, ever slap you or anybody else. Why don't you stay under the table until you feel better and then you can come out, ok? Let me know if you need any help. I'll be right over there in my super very special teacher chair where we sing and read and do fun stuff. The rest of us are gonna get ready to go to the carpet and start our day.



Welcome to the first 20 minutes of my relationship with Special!



The rest of the class and I went to the rug and started singing our good morning songs. My back was to Special, which I did on purpose. I knew I was taking a chance by doing that, but I figured if she was gonna bolt, she'd have already taken off. I didn't want her to think she was gonna get any more attention whatsoever by staying under the table. We started singing and I glanced over my shoulder with a bright smile and said cheerfully, "Whenever you want to come sing with us, Special, just come on out!" I started reading our book for the day and out of the corner of my eye, I could see her starting to crawl out. She inched closer and closer every few minutes until she was also on the rug, which I didn't acknowledge at all. It was a big step for her to back down from her challenge to me and to choose to join us. I was afraid if I praised her in that moment, she would see it as me winning and her losing. Instead, I wanted her to think she made that choice on her own terms and to own it. Children that live in chaotic situations can be so desperate to have control over something in their lives that they sabotage themselves. They also have to learn how to make healthy decisions because it's rarely been modeled for them. Some teachers would say that I let her have her way but I couldn't disagree more. I wanted her out from under the table and I got what I wanted. I didn't have to chase her down the hall, drag her out by her feet, kicking and screaming, and I didn't have to buzz the office for help. I also gave her the opportunity to make the right choice on her own.


Later that day I did pull her aside, and in my quiet, tiny voice, I asked her if she knew that she did something today that only smart Kindergarteners do. She looked at me suspiciously, so I told her how glad I was that she came out from under the table when maybe she didn't really want to, but thank goodness she did because I thought that I was going to start crying if my new student didn't love me and that would be so embarrassing for the teacher to cry in front of everyone so thank goodness she came out at just the right time and so can I please have a hug? ha!! She kinda looked at me like I was crazy and was this a joke? The teacher was gonna start crying? But then I sniffed real loud and dabbed at my eye. She must have believed me because she gave me a big hug. When she turned to walk away, I said "Oh, wait, I need 1 more hug!" and sniffed real loud again and made my voice crack. She gave me another hug and patted me on the back. I'm so serious I did this. I'm not even lying. Having a little fun at your special's expense is only fair in my eyes, after the hell they put us through, heh heh. Plus, it was one of the steps in getting her to attach to me.


So I began formulating a strategy for dealing with this child. I had been given no information whatsoever on her background, but it was clear that she had major issues. I knew that the first step was to gain this child's love and trust and that would be a tall order. Kids like this are extremely suspicious of everything and trust no one. They are also street smart and not easily fooled. But in order for me to have any success with her at all, I was gonna have to work really hard to get her to attach to me. It was crucial that she trust me and to feel safe in our classroom environment. I needed her to want to be with me and her classmates so badly, that she was willing to comply and do whatever was necessary to stay with us and it was gonna take major strategy, patience, and creativity on my part to get that done. But her willingness to hug me and to hug me twice was a very good sign.



Whew! That was only the first 20 minutes!!




To be continued......